Porcelain Pauline

“Spending twelve years in a Christian school and attending church on most Sundays was all about the “religion” I had growing up. I always knew about God but I never really knew Him.

We never read the Bible but at times I remember looking at the pictures with my brother. My mom and dad had a Bible in their bedroom that was rather large with celestial beings on it. I went to a Christian school but never owned a Bible. We were told the church leaders were the only ones who could read the Bible and interpret it.

“Religion” classes were only stories from the Bible. I remember one time asking a question about David (vs. Goliath). The teacher who was teaching said to me “Don’t you dare ask a question about one of God’s Holy Ones. Just listen to the story and ask forgiveness for your questioning mind, may He have mercy on you”. I never did have my question answered and never thought to ask again.

I was “confirmed” in the 7th grade. It had absolutely no spiritual significance to me what so ever. I remember having my hair done, my nails, a new dress, shoes, the whole bit. My family had a party in a nice restaurant and I received (money) gifts. That was cool for a 7th grader. The rehearsals were torture. It was so important that we didn’t step on the lines in the floor tiles. I was scared to death to make the wrong move. Severe consequences were inflicted by the teachers if you messed up. It was all about image. I do not recall ever understanding the significance of confirmation.

In my 12 years of Christian school and church, I never remember hearing the words, Love, Grace, Acceptance or Salvation. God was more of a punishing God to me who was there, but not really there. I opened my first Bible at the age of 28 when I was just beginning to understand the ways of God at a neighborhood Bible study. I honestly do not know why the Gospel was never taught in church. Maybe they didn’t know the Gospel message. They would read from the Gospels at times during the church service, but it was never the Gospel of the Good News of salvation by grace that was intended to be spoken. This was truly my experience.

I did what I was told to do, never questioned anything and played the “good” game, meaning I didn’t outwardly sin. I was basically a good girl. I didn’t get in trouble, followed the rules and therefore I was “In like Flint”. There are some people in my old system who do know the truth, but I will say most people that I know are deceived and usually obstinate towards those who do know the truth. Most, like myself are cradle Christians, meaning they were born into a particular Christian family and that gives you “religious rights”. No personal decision required. You were Christian because your mom and dad were.

By the age of 20, I was a broken, lost young woman. I was filled with bitterness and anger. Fear was at the front door of my mind and heart and I always opened the door and let it come in and take over. This caused me to become more and more empty, weak and fragile. My knowledge of God meant going to Him in desperate prayer for my requests and wants. I called on Him for emergency and rescue. I knew He was there, somewhere, but in a vague somewhat unreachable way. All I wanted was for Him to take away my pain, fix my life, make my path straight, meet all my needs, provide me with all I wanted and much more, all of which revolved around ME. After all, He was God, wasn’t that what He was supposed to do? It is hard for me to sum up my vague perspective of Who He was.

I tried to fill my life up with “socially acceptable” things; a husband, children, a home, even a part-time job in sales. After all, these were all good things, they gave me a purpose. I soon found out that my “sales job” lost its flavor and I was hungry again for some other filler. I could have chosen alcohol, drugs or other “non socially” accepted things to fill up my life but only by God’s grace, (which I did not know at the time), I did not. By the age of 28, I do not remember ever hearing anything about God’s love or the Biblical Gospel message.

I had a void in my life that needed filling, but I did not know it. I knew I was broken but didn’t know I could be fixed. I was as fragile as porcelain with hairline cracks. These “cracks” couldn’t be detected with the naked eye. People saw me as a very put together wife and mother. I am now aware that the enemy was always attempting to pour his venom into those small cracks of my fragile heart. A family tragedy occurred with one of my close relatives and I could not fill this hole in my heart. There were no more Band-Aids for me.

My neighbor and friend shared the Gospel with me and this was the beginning of the healing process that continues to this day. I knew that I was changed within the first few days of my salvation decision but there was so much that God had to “prune” in me that it literally took years. In His graciousness, He didn’t remove all my “bad fruit” in one or two pruning sessions, instead it has been a progressive sanctification with me.

I do not think I could have survived a brutal lopping off of all my unproductive, diseased fruit. I gave my heart to the Lord when I was 28, knowing and believing that I had Salvation, but I didn’t give him access to every area of my heart until about 12 years later. I battled with fears and panic attacks that I finally released over to Him and I believe this was a huge turning point for me.

I never knew that I needed to ask for forgiveness, humble myself and seek the Lord with my whole heart. I wanted to be free and that is what He offered me, freedom. I accepted His free gift of salvation and began getting to know God as my Father, Friend, Savior and Lord. It’s not like I had been trying to escape God, I didn’t know God. Now I do. I no longer live in the domain of darkness. He rescued me once and for all and delivered me into His Kingdom of Light.”

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